When Twentieth Century Fox took a major gamble on a goofy
space fantasy imagined by that goofy kid who’d made American Graffiti, neither that company nor George Lucas could have
imagined we’d still be so ensconced in Star
Wars forty years later. In fact, fans are now able to ensconce themselves
more completely in that wacky universe of wookiees, droids, banthas, and
wampas than they could back in the late seventies even though it seemed that
every conceivable object had some sort of Star
Wars equivalent back then. However, compared to a time when anyone can
snooze in a tauntaun sleeping bag, make waffles shaped like the Death Star, or
dab on Lando-scented cologne, the late seventies was a comparable Tatooine-desert
of Star Wars merchandise. You
couldn’t even watch the movies on your TV set yet, so those who wished to never
leave Lucas Land had to make do with the essential bits of Star Wars-ernalia available. So for you contemporary kids who don’t
understand how good you have it, here are eight examples of Star Wars essentials every fanatic worth his or her salt owned back
when nobody knew what the hell A New Hope
was.
1. Kenner Toys
Let’s get the obvious out of the way. The most effective way
to melt into the Star Wars universe
aside from watching the films has always been to get down on the floor
surrounded by little bits of Star Wars-shaped
plastic. The history of Kenner’s Star
Wars figures has been regurgitated many, many, many times. I’m sure you
already know about how unprofitable movie-tie-in toys had been, how Lucas made
his fortune by retaining merchandising rights, how the toys weren’t ready for
X-mas 1977 so Kenner sold cardboard “Early Bird” vouchers for Luke, Leia,
Chewie, and R2-D2 figures instead. Blah, blah. Equally important is how nifty
these little figures that could fit into scale Millennium Falcons and
TIE-fighters were, how kooky the decisions to make figures of barely-on-screen
characters like Prune Face and not-on-screen-at-all characters like Cloud Car Pilot was while neglecting more prominent characters like Tarkin and Uncle Owen
because they didn’t look as cool, and how holding one of these tiny things in
your hand today draws up childhood memories like biting into a Proustian Madeleine. And let’s not neglect all of those other variations of Star Wars playthings, like the
too-big-to-fit-into-a-plastic-X-Wing “large size” figures that did such an
effective job of capturing character likenesses and that plush Chewbacca toy that inspired so many of us to toss our teddy bears in the bin.
Since kids could not revisit Star Wars by popping a VHS into the VCR until tapes became
reasonably affordable in the nineties, we had to make do with simply hearing
the movie. We could do so with The Story
of Star Wars, a truncated audio recording of the film with dead-serious
narration by Roscoe Lee Brown, a mainstay of seventies sitcoms. The most
striking thing about this book and record set is how excruciatingly boring Star Wars is without its moving visuals.
The record’s 50 minutes feels about three times longer than the film’s two
hours. Much easier to digest were the Read-Along book and record (or cassette) sets, which featured unconvincing actors reading synopsized dialogue that
leaves the films’ plots feeling like a series of unconnected adventure scenes
but boogies along like a customized Landspeeder. For those who just wanted to
get their hair blown back by John Williams’s boisterous scores, there were
proper soundtrack records in single and double-LP formats. For those who embraced
the utter kitschiness of all those puppet-headed aliens and trash can-shaped
robots, there were gloriously tacky disco and holiday-themed Star Wars discs.
3. Printed Materials
If you just wanted the story without the sounds, you could
curl up with any number of Star Wars
books. For the kids there were very attractive and utterly essential hardcover
storybooks of the three films, which condensed the stories (if not quite as
drastically as those Read-Along records did), but delivered an emperor’s ransom
in wonderful pictures. For those with slightly more stable attention spans,
there were the novelizations by the Alan Dean Foster, Donald F. Glut,
and James Kahn (no, not the one from Misery).
Along with the ace prose one should always expect from a novelization of a
children’s movie, these books offered deleted scenes, plot deviations, and alternate details on classic characters like Wiosleia (had to look that one
up). It was in the Return
of the Jedi novelization that we learned Darth Vader became Darth Vader
after Ob-Wan hip checked him into “a molten pit.” Even before people like
Timothy Zahn and A.C. Crispin turned Expanded Universe stories into a cottage
industry, the printed page afforded opportunities to stretch story beyond
screen. Written as a possible blueprint for a cinematic sequel in the event Star Wars wasn’t a big enough hit to
warrant a big budget and Harrison Ford opted not to rejoin the gang, Foster’s Splinter of the Mind’s Eye pitted Darth
Vader against an uncomfortably lusty Luke and Leia on a swamp planet that is
not Dagobah. Brian Daley’s Han Solo
Adventures and L. Neil Smith’s Lando
Calrissian Adventures trilogies also gave us more time with the two most
fun characters in the Star Wars
world. For a complete marriage of alternate tales and alternate visuals,
nothing beat Marvel’s decade-long comics series, the awesomeness of which you
can read more about here.
4. Topps Cards
5. Cups and Glasses
6. For the Home
7. Food
Getting back to the kitchen, we original Star Wars maniacs couldn’t quite subsist
on intergalactic foods, lest we wanted to risk a serious case of scurvy, but we
did have a few in the cupboard. You’d never want to risk slicing open your gums
with that stale gum in a packet of Topps trading cards, but you might consider popping
a few tablets of Topps’ Star Wars
candy dispensed from a plastic Vader head or munching on a chocolate Gamorrean Guard, Jabba the Hutt, or other disgusting creature from a packet of Star Wars Cookies from Pepperidge Farm. For
a skosh more nutrition, consider a bowl of C-3POs Cereal for breakfast.
Afterward you could scissor the mask of Mark Hamill’s face off the back of the
box, strap it to your own face, and terrify your friends into giving you their
Jabba cookies.