Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Psychobabble Hall of Fame to Open in Cleveland!

Breaking news! After an as-yet unidentified Cleveland museum was accidentally demolished by a slightly moist fart, city officials agreed it would be idiotic to rebuild it, instead deciding to replace that as-yet unidentified museum with a new one called the Psychobabble Hall of Fame! 

All artists are eligible for induction 25 years after the release of their first record. At least one non-shitty contribution to Rock & Roll history is the sole criteria for induction. The ability to apply clown makeup will not be a consideration for induction.
Proposed Museum Design.

Breaking update! The list of inductees has just been announced! It is as follows:

Paul Revere and the Raiders

Outstanding Contribution: Can play brutal bubblegum garage rock while doing choreographed dance moves in American Revolutionary War costumes.
Most Outstanding Work:  The Spirit of '67 (1966)

The Zombies

Outstanding Contribution: Crafted ethereally jazzy pop and masterful, Mellotrony psychedelia. Responsible for the current zombie craze.
Most Outstanding  Work: Odessey and Oracle (1968)

The Pretty Things

Outstanding Contribution: Recorded and released the very first LP length-rock opera. Wore the very first 1970s-length long hair. Rocked terribly hard.
Most Outstanding  Work: S.F. Sorrow (1968)

The Turtles

Outstanding Contribution: Racked up hits by recording consistently wonderful bubblegum folk rock with an emphasis on beautifully stoned harmonies and wise-ass humor.
Most Outstanding  Work: Turtle Soup (1969)

Nico

Outstanding Contribution: Metamorphosed from gorgeous, icy voiced pop chanteuse into ghoulish, icy voiced goth princess. Was the scariest thing about The Velvet Underground, which is saying a hell of a lot.
Most Outstanding  Work: The Marble Index (1968)


Love

Outstanding Contribution:
One of the few integrated rock groups of the sixties made a totally new sound with each album, and each one was fabulous. Were LA's coolest underground band, and Arthur Lee could shout as well as he could coo.
Most Outstanding  Work:
Forever Changes (1967)

 
The Monkees

Outstanding Contribution: Started as a totally manufactured sitcom pop band, said "Fuck that!" and threatened their record company until they were allowed to be one of the greatest real bands of the sixties. Were pretty awesome even before that. Hated by Jann Wenner, which is practically instant credibility.
Most Outstanding  Work: Pisces, Aquarius, Capricorn, and Jones, Ltd. (1967)

The Left Banke 

Outstanding Contribution: Single-handedly invented mopey British pop. Were from New York City.
Most Outstanding  Work: Walk Away Renee/Pretty Ballerina (1967)

The Creation 

Outstanding Contribution: Parodied art by setting canvasses on fire on stage. Taught Jimmy Page how to bow a guitar. "Making Time"? Holy shit!
Most Outstanding  Work: We Are Paintermen (1967)

The Move

Outstanding Contribution: Ripped out hilarious power pop, power bubble gum, and power prog rock, often while smashing used cars with sledgehammers. Kept Roy Wood and Jeff Lynne out of trouble.
Most Outstanding  Work: Move (1968)

Procol Harum 

Outstanding Contribution: Invented goth rock even though everyone insists on primarily categorizing them as prog rockers. When they did play prog, Gary Brooker's voice made it soulful prog. Revolutionized the double-keyboard approach. Made their non-singing, non-instrument playing lyricist an official member of the band, which is very considerate. Occasionally wore Merlin costumes.
Most Outstanding  Work: A Salty Dog (1969)

Nazz

Outstanding Contribution: American rockers who kept the concise spirit of '65/'66 British pop alive during the long-winded, jammy late sixties. Were the first thing on Todd Rundgren's resumé.
Most Outstanding  Work: Nazz (1968)


Nick Drake

Outstanding Contribution: Was the king of morbid, introverted singer-songwriters. Made three perfect yet distinct albums.
Most Outstanding  Work: Bryter Layter (1970)

Yes

Outstanding Contribution: Fused Beatlesque pop with prog pretensions. Jon Anderson sang lyrics that didn't even make sense when you were tripping your butthole off. Pissed off your super dogmatic punk buddies.
Most Outstanding  Work: Fragile (1971)

King Crimson

Outstanding Contribution: Are the only prog band you're not embarrassed to keep in your record collection. Robert Fripp did incredibly beautiful things with heavily distorted electric guitar and  incredibly heavy things with the beautiful Mellotron.
Most Outstanding  Work: In the Court of the Crimson King (1969)

Big Star

Outstanding Contribution: For those with no space in their hearts for prog, Big Star were the early-seventies saviors of power pop. But only critics knew that.
Most Outstanding  Work: #1 Record (1972)

Pete Townshend

Outstanding Contribution: Already inducted in old museum as member of The Who, deserves to be inducted in new one for making better solo albums than any other member of a major band and better demo recordings than God.
Most Outstanding  Work: Empty Glass (1980)

The Damned 

Outstanding Contribution: Punk, pop, psych, goth, garage rock, prog. They mastered it all without losing their sense of humor. Made the first punk single and the first punk album and toured the states before any of their British brethren. Outlasted about a million break ups and all the asshole critics who said they'd never last.
Most Outstanding  Work: Machine Gun Etiquette (1979)

The Jam

Outstanding Contribution: Introduced sharp mod style and twelve-string Rickenbackers to seventies punk rock. Made eighties new wave honest and organic even if no one else did.
Most Outstanding  Work: All Mod Cons (1978)

Cheap Trick 

Outstanding Contribution: Were the only traditional Rock & Roll band that mattered during the late seventies punk revolution. Their lyrics were as funny as their two heartthrobs/two slobs image.
Most Outstanding  Work: Cheap Trick (1977)

The Cure

Outstanding Contribution: Made the most thrillingly bi-polar music in rock history. Reinvented the dirge. Reinvented grooming.
Most Outstanding  Work: Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me (1987)

Siouxsie and the Banshees

Outstanding Contribution: Transformed punk rock into avant garde art, transformed the Gothic into the delectably poppy, transformed millions of perfectly nice high school girls into wild-haired, wild-makeupped mini-Siouxsie Siouxs (note: just to confirm, Siouxsie's outstanding ability to apply clown makeup was not a consideration in her induction).
Most Outstanding  Work: A Kiss in the Dream House (1982)

XTC

Outstanding Contribution: Made the best hurky-jerky new wave since Talking Heads and the best Beatles and Beach Boys albums since The Beatles and The Beach Boys.
Most Outstanding  Work: Black Sea (1980)


The Replacements

Outstanding Contribution: Were too crazy to contain, too beautiful to ignore, too drunk to keep it together, and too cool for that other hall of fame.
Most Outstanding  Work: Let It Be (1984)

The Smiths

Outstanding Contribution: Made gloriously shimmering pop for mopey kids who didn't quite understand that Morrissey is really, really, really funny.
Most Outstanding  Work: The Smiths (1984)

Suzanne Vega

Outstanding Contribution: Most often stereotyped as a folk singer, the New York singer-songwriter actually reinvented herself as regularly and audaciously as David Bowie. Possibly the only pop artist to dabble in industrial music without making a fool of herself.
Most Outstanding  Work:
99.9 (1992) 

Throwing Muses 

Outstanding Contribution: Were the scariest thing ever to come out of Rhode Island. Had the most stellar rhythm section in college rock history and a front woman with a voice that could melt your face faster than the Ark of the Covenant.
Most Outstanding  Work: The Real Ramona (1991)

Guided by Voices

Outstanding Contribution: Made it OK to be a lo-fi, middle-aged, self-made Rock & Roll superstar. Literally released 6,000 albums, including a slick, hi-fi one produced by Rik Ocasek that is amazingly awesome despite what everyone says.
Most Outstanding  Work: Bee Thousand (1994)

The Pixies

Outstanding Contribution: Have you ever heard nineties rock? They're responsible for that.
Most Outstanding  Work: Doolittle (1989)

Nirvana

Outstanding Contribution: Revitalized Rock & Roll after the "hair metal" years. Were the last truly culture-crossing, globally important band of the Rock & Roll era. Only band of previous museum's recent inductees deemed worthy of inclusion in the Psychobabble Hall of Fame.
Most Outstanding  Work: In Utero (1994)


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